December 30, 2009—more random shit from me at the end of the year
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
December 30, 2009
Note: Major stream of consciousness PMS rant follows. I generally enjoy being a womyn, but not when I am expecting my Aunt Flo. She doesn’t arrive as regularly as she did when I was younger, and she can stick her monthly gift up her panocha, not mine. I need some Midol, stat…
I’m listening to “Celebrity Skin” by Hole and I am pissed. I can’t wait for this shitty (for the most part) decade to end, and for a new beginning. My NYE could potentially suck ass, because I am not going to do ANYTHING interesting to end 2009. I am not crazy about that. I’d rather go to the (fine-ass) Queertastiks’ party or over to Sam and Lynn’s for their chanting party, but T doesn‘t want to do anything like that. At least I am going to New Year’s Gongyo on Friday and I am going to receive my Gohonzon. Screw the “fundamental darkness” in my life. I am going to turn poison into medicine. No more excuses about why I cannot improve my life.
I am waiting on the mailman and it’s driving me CRAZY. I want to receive my money from good old Barack Obama, well, his minions at the Social Security Administration anyway, but it’s not supposed to arrive until tomorrow. It came early before, so maybe it will this month. (crossing fingers and praying earnestly) If it does show up today, there is a Mexican dinner on my agenda. Si se puede!
I don’t really know what’s going to happen in the next few days. My patience is wearing very thin and I just want to get shit straightened out—LITERALLY. The house smells nasty, no matter how much Fabuloso I use, and I don’t want to live here anymore. Oneness of self and environment, definitely, whether I want to believe it or not.
I keep playing the same songs on iTunes everyday to try to block this crap out of my mind. I guess music soothes me a little, but it’s only a temporary thing. If I didn’t have to walk to the laundry room to be online, it’d be a little better, but it’s going to be another freaking week before the Wi-Fi is going to be back on, so the management says. Eff that. I’ll just hijack someone else’s internet until then.
I feel like I am being held back. I need to grow, and right now I am just stagnating, like the science experiment growing in my bathtub. It sucks. I am tired of being bitched at for every little thing I do or don’t do. Fuck this shit. I don’t need a babysitter watching every move I make, telling me what to do, or bitching about the friends I have.
I am not going to move without a plan, though. I’m not going to jump from the frying pan into the fire. That would be irresponsible and stupid. Watch out in February. That’s my month and I am going to make shit happen. This bullshit that I am currently going through is not going to carry over to my 37th year.
At least I am going to the Goodwill Blue Hanger store on Saturday with Scott and his friend, and I’m going to drop some mad shopping diva skills. Yeah, baby. I will fight some bitch mano a mano for some cheap-ass designer shit, and maybe I can find some stuff to complement my ensemble for the Femme Mafia Winter Wonderland Ball on January 30th.
(musical inspiration for this journal entry)—
”Celebrity Skin” by Hole
“Willin’” by Susanna Hoffs and Matthew Sweet
“Galvanize” by the Chemical Brothers
“Paper Planes” by M. I. A.
December 30, 2009 part two
I feel a little better emotionally, but still shitty physically.
I didn’t get my dinero today, so no comida Mexicana for me today. I’m making spaghetti, so you know that it’s the end of the month. When I go shopping next, I will make sure that I get stuff that will last the month. Food stamps just aren’t that much of a help anymore…we only get $89, where before when it was just me with no income, I got $200. Thank you, O Federal Government, for robbing Peter to pay Paul. They expect me to survive on $449.50 monthly…in Austin, Texas. Yeah, right. The government is totally oblivious to the needs of the poor and disabled, obviously. No Cost of Living Allowance this year because they said there was no increase in stuff. Excuse me, but why are my Ramen noodles now costing me 16 cents a pop instead of 10 for a dollar? Hello. That is an increase to me.
This is why at the Poly Austin get-togethers at Central Market and Whole Paycheck, oops, I mean Whole Foods, I am drinking a soda instead of eating gourmet chocolate. The last time I went to Whole Foods, I used my Lone Star card and the cashier bitch asked her supervisor if I could even purchase an organic Blue Sky soda on food stamps…I mean, SNAP as it’s now called. They were complete ass-clowns to me, so I am not going to shop there anymore. Central Market is all too happy to accept my card, and their chocolate is cheaper.
I am avoiding the bathroom like the plague. No amount of Pine-Sol could help me. I’m just going to have to move. Ick.
(musical inspiration for this journal entry)—
“It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay” by Whitney Houston
“Keeps Getting Better” by Christina Aguilera
“She’s A Lady” by Tom Jones
“Free For All” by Ted Nugent
“She’s A Beauty” by the Tubes
“Stay With Me” by Rod Stewart
December 30, 2009 part three
I actually feel remotely sexy today, which is funny considering that I have no makeup on and my hair looks like shit. I guess compliments from people (even ones from people that I barely know, sigh…) really do go a long way toward increasing my self-esteem. I am beginning to feel good about myself again, with the help of offensive amounts of Tinkerbell stuff and the color pink. I am able to flirt without making someone think that I am all about shagging them at this very minute, and I like feeling like a sexy geeky chick magnet, even if it’s only in my imagination. Fake it ‘til you make it, it’s been said…
I am being photographed on Saturday by Scott— yay! I hope that I’ll feel well enough for it. I don’t like it when I am on my cycle. I feel so bloated, which is bullshit because I know I am losing weight (thanks, poverty!) but I’m sure that it’s all gonna be good. I’m gonna rock my sexy chunky ass.
(musical inspiration for this journal entry)—
“Dre Day” by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg
“Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen
“I Feel Love” by Donna Summer
November 1, 2009—hanging with my femme sisterfriend
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
Today Todd and I went to church. The guest preacher was Rev. Delores Berry, a MCC evangelist, and a woman with the biggest hat that I have ever seen in church. We sat with Kelly, my wild and crazy, blind, California girl, bi femme homegirl. Rev. Berry’s sermon was cool because she was so stream of consciousness. She mentioned several times that she was a “lipstick lesbian” and Kelly and I got all happy. Kelly asked me if we were “lipstick bi-dykes” and I told her that, indeed, we were. When Rev. Berry mentioned “bisexuals” we made a lot of noise and made a bunch of people crack up.
I’m trying to get Kelly to go to the Femme Mafia meeting with me. She’s like me, because she’s not really into butches. I think that Todd, Kelly, and I are confusing the hell out of people at church because we always go up for Communion together. Maybe they think we’re all getting busy or something. However, I am in a monogamous relationship with Todd and that’s enough for me.
Yesterday I went to Freebirds and a total hippie babe made my burrito and flirted with me. I guess since I colored my hair black, the ladies are noticing.
October 25, 2009—random bullshit thoughts
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
I really should have bought the Claritin yesterday at Walgreens. I’m sneezing all the time.
I am happy that both of the colleges that I like (Texas) and (University of Houston) beat their respective opponents.
My house looks like crap, but I have absolutely NO motivation to do anything today. I’d rather stay in bed and be on the computer.
Church shows and cartoons are on now. I can’t watch cartoons because they make me sad. The only church show I like is Joel Osteen because he is so perky!
Anyway, I’ve been surfing on FetLife and I realized that I am pretty normal compared to some people. My proclivities are pretty common. I didn’t think that makeup and geeks were really fetishes.
October 24, 2009—it’s freaking cold outside…for me, anyway
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
OK, I know I live in Texas, where it doesn’t get cold very much, but today is one of those days when I just want to stay in bed under a bunch of blankets and not do anything. I need to run some errands, though. I have to take back the ghetto computer that we rented from Rent-A-Center now that Todd has his HP and I have my Acer. Also, I need to go by the store, get some Special Transit tickets, and some snacks.
Bitch landlady came over on Thursday to collect our (extremely late) rent and she was so stoned that all she could focus on was that her patio table was destroyed and that the fridge wasn’t defrosted. OK, the storm a few weeks ago damaged the patio table and our RV park manager told her that he tossed it because it looked crappy sitting outside our yard.
Todd and I are seriously considering moving next month (week?) but we don’t have anything concrete.
I hate being yelled at. I may be a freak, but getting bitched out is not one of my fetishes.
October 23, 2009—just not feelin’ it right now…
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
I am sitting in bed eating pizza and I am freezing my ass off. OK, it’s only 60 something degrees, but I am in Texas.
I’ve got something on my mind that I need to write about. I don’t really fit in the bisexual community anymore. I am still on all the e-mail lists, but I don’t really enjoy the meetings. Maybe that’s a throwback to when I got tossed out of Bi-Net Houston because the facilitator was a bitch. I tried to express my feelings that it should be a support group instead of just a social group, but I always got pushed to the back of the bus. All I wanted to do was to make the bi group more of a “big tent”, not just for S/M enthusiasts or polys. I wanted the “vanilla bisexuals” to feel at home as well. Finally, with no support, I just gave up.
My main goal of attending Bi-Net was to meet more bisexual people. In the end, I met more bi people working in LGBT organizations, so that’s where I ended up focusing my energy. I got a lot of support from gays and lesbians about being bisexual.
Now I find myself more interested in (the very bi-friendly) Femme Mafia. I have identified as a femme since I first came out, but quickly pushed that into the closet. Now there is so much more femme visibility, so I can be myself.
Since I have been attending MCC Austin, I have been out as a femme and as a married bisexual disabled woman. I can help the church reach out to femmes, bis, straights, the differently abled, and anyone who feels differently.
{October 14, 2009} I got approved for Social Security today…
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
so now I won’t be so damn broke.
I got on Facebook and added a bunch of friends…including my most awesome 4th grade teacher.
Todd and I went to Pappadeaux for lunch today. I ordered the Crawfish Combination.
{October 13, 2009} feeling queer again…
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
I watched the National Equality March on C-Span yesterday and it was so cool that they included bisexual people as speakers. It seems nowadays that the community is more accepting of us. Unfortunately, sometimes I have internalized biphobia toward others…I am so afraid of the “freaky” people representing the bi community as a whole. It makes me feel like shit.
I am also upset in my own marriage that Todd makes jokes about “having turned me straight”. I’m not. I like women as much as I like men. It’s about the person, not the plumbing.
Anyway, going to church is feeding my queer identity, but I want to become more involved in the community. I need to start going to the Femme Mafia meetings.
{September 16, 2009} I don’t know what to do anymore
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
I haven’t written all summer…I just got a laptop, and I may not even get to keep it if I can’t come up with next week’s payment. I went to another interview today, which was another waste of time.
I don’t even want to be in Austin anymore. I really just want to get some cash and buy a cheap RV and just go someplace else. I would start dancing again if I could lose some weight.
{June 17, 2009} a short ramble
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
I am at the doctor now, crying my eyes out, missing my kid. Usually I try to stuff all the pain inside so Todd will think me dispassionate, but it’s all bullshit. I’m very passionate. Damn. I’m fucking up my makeup. At least I brought my Coach bag, the one that asshole bought me. Fuck it. . The Coach bag BILL bought me for my birthday. Fuck my ex-boyfriend. Fuck my marriage.
{June 15, 2009} update on me
30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
I volunteered with the church at the Pride Festival a week from last Saturday, and I got in free, which was cool, since I was broke. Unfortunately, there was entirely too much attitude from certain people of my gender at our church’s booth. At least the queens behaved themselves. I don’t think that I will be volunteering at the booth next year. Oh, and I had a nasty reaction to Depakote and almost passed out, so I didn’t even get to walk in the parade, which sucked.
Anyway, I did find a ministry in the church that seems interesting, One Love Ministries, which aims to make others (disabled, heterosexual, minorities) feel at home in our church. Todd and I went to a leadership meeting yesterday. Our church is so welcoming of us as a mixed orientation couple, and supportive of bisexual people in general.
