Bi. Queer. Femme.

17 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

Bi.  Queer.  Femme.

I first knew that I was different when I was three, when my parents told me that I was adopted. I grew up believing I was special, but I never really fit in with any group.  When I was a child, I had Barbie dolls, but they were a butch/femme couple, and Ken was irrelevant.  I played with Star Wars toys and listened to the Village People and the Bee Gees, but so did most 5 year olds.  I didn’t think it was weird that the only guys I liked were Andy Gibb and John Travolta, or that I had a bad crush on Olivia Newton-John.

I always had a posse of girls hanging around me because I was the “smart girl.”  I never had any problems until the fourth grade, when Gwendolyn kissed me on the swing set at recess.  I realized that I really liked her.  I made the mistake of telling someone, and then the whole school found out.  That began several years of being called a lesbian, and my circle of friends became smaller.

In my junior year of high school I met a girl named Lydia.  We dated for two years off and on,  until college.   At the end of junior year I started liking guys, and at the end of the summer I met my first boyfriend Robert.   He had dated Gwendolyn, who at that point was out as bisexual.  I came out soon after.

When I went to college, I discovered the gayborhood, and became active in LGBT causes.  At first, I didn’t change my image from the straight girl look that I rocked previously.  However, upon moving to Austin, the lesbians I met didn’t want to associate with me unless I renounced my femme-ness and embraced androgyny.  I did this for a while, trading my heels for Birkenstocks, and cutting off my hair, but after a couple of years, I was unhappy.  I discovered that there was a femme history in the lesbian community before the lesbian feminist movement, so I researched it.  I thought I was the only one.

I became active in the bisexual community in 1994.  I was the first coordinator for the Bisexual Youth Initiative and appeared on television and radio.

I met a bisexual man at a bi support group in 1995 and gave birth to my daughter in 1996.  I became involved in LGBT parenting and low-income issues.

I came out as femme in 2008 when I discovered the Femme Mafia, a network of self-identified femmes and I went to Femme Camp.   I grew my hair, I started wearing more makeup, and I embraced Tinkerbell, Hello Kitty, and the color pink.  It was so refreshing to know that I am not alone in my queer femininity.

I feel that the LGBT community adopted me in a way that my parents never did, and that I belong in it.  It is the family that I always wanted.

 

What Pride Means To Me

11 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

I wrote this back in June, but I am just posting it here now…
WHAT PRIDE MEANS TO ME
By Stacey D. Langley
It is the end of LGBT Pride Month, and with all the controversy over the meaning of Pride itself, I wanted to explain what it was originally intended to be, what it has become, and what it means to me as a femme bisexual.
The first Pride March was held in New York on the last Sunday of June 1970, and was called the Christopher Street Liberation Day March. It was organized by two activist organizations, the Gay Liberation Front and Gay Activists Alliance to commemorate the Stonewall Riots of 1969. One of the main organizers was Brenda Howard, a bisexual activist. The original March was a protest complete with signs and angry voices demanding equality and an end to official and professional harassment. There were no floats, and no music.
My first experience with Pride was in 1993, three years after I came out. I attended the Houston Pride Parade. It was great to see so many LGBT people there, and I felt like I was part of a community. Bill Clinton had been elected President a few months before, and there was a lot of optimism about progressing in the area of our civil rights.
The first time that I got involved with Pride as a volunteer was in 1995, when BiNet Houston assisted with the mail outs of Pride materials. The volunteer coordinators were genuinely happy that we were there, but I believe that we made some of the organizers a little uncomfortable being that we were totally out bisexuals. That year was also the first year that I walked in the parade. My girlfriend and I passed out candy to parade spectators (Almond Joy and Mounds—the bisexual candy bars) and we got verbally attacked by some lesbians who told us to “make up our minds!!” Aside from that, it was a great experience and I have walked in many parades since, even the San Francisco LGBT Freedom Day Parade(complete with topless rollerblading feminists and me pushing a baby stroller).
Though all the parades I participated in were a lot of fun, we never lost sight of the real reason for Pride. We celebrated the people that stood up for their beliefs and against the police and the Mafia. There was even a Stonewall 25 theme of one of the Houston parades. However, it seems that in the past few years, Pride has become a “queer July 4th” and an excuse to party all month.
Pride Month celebrations can often seem like advertisements for alcohol, porn, dance parties, and exotic travel destinations. In Austin, the Pride celebration had a luxury car show and was even sponsored by the City. Many people in the community, especially, people of color and low-income people feel left out and inferior. People of color in some cities have started their own celebrations that reflect their experiences as both minorities and as queer people. Low-income people feel that many of the Pride events are too expensive to attend.
Pride events in Texas are tame affairs compared to those in New York, and San Francisco. Maybe it’s because we are a more conservative part of the country and we are lagging behind in terms of acceptance. In Texas, Pride Parades are advertised as being “family friendly”. When I was in San Francisco and saw the rollerblading girls, I didn’t really freak out that my child was exposed to them. I think that it’s not a big deal.  However, some of the “family-friendly” parades tend to leave out segments of the community that are not “assimilationist”- the Dykes on Bikes, the leather people, the drag queens/kings, anyone that doesn’t fit the image that the parade organizers want to portray.
There has recently been a movement to reclaim the original political message of Stonewall. Take Back Pride in New York believes that the 40th anniversary of the first gay rights parades in New York City, Los Angeles and San Francisco in June 1970 should see a return to the spirit of those first marches.
They do not want the community to forget Pride’s roots in the Stonewall Riots and the oppression our community faced then and continues to face today. They suggest that in order for us to know where we are going, we have to know where we’ve been. Take Back Pride is “a movement to put the politics back into the parade, the march back in the march,” said Jamie McGonnigal, the group’s founder.
Locally, there has been some controversy in the Austin LGBT community about this. There was a movement called Queerbomb started by some of my friends. They suggest that Austin’s Pride celebration has strayed far from its roots and has become exclusionary and corporate. Queerbomb “aimed not to disrupt Pride altogether, but serve as an edgier complement that revisits the “radical, carnal, and transgressive lineage of our ever-changing community.” They organized a march the night before Pride, which I attended (with the Femme Mafia in a black prom dress and combat boots!) There were segments of the community which were not invited to the traditional Pride Parade and a whole bunch of straight allies in attendance.
I didn’t go to the traditional Pride Parade, though I did attend the Pride Festival (but didn’t pay the stupid $10 admission fee, thanks to scoring a media pass). It was a yuppie festival, sponsored by Tito’s Homemade Vodka (which I confess to drinking) and Acura, among others. It was okay, but it had no spirit. It was just like every other festival with merchandiseand music. I felt so out of place there, especially when I was volunteering at the Stonewall Democrats of Austin table. I was dressed in a pink “Legalize Gay” shirt, shorts, and rainbow Pride socks.  Everyone else at the table was dressed conservatively.
Nowhere at the Austin festival, was there any mention of our Stonewall ancestors. We can’t forget the people that jump-started our civil rights movement, like Sylvia Rivera, the drag king Storme DeLarverie, all the butches and femmes, bisexuals, or the countless others that were also there in the beginning. Pride isn’t a white, male, upwardly-mobile, straight-acting celebration. Our community is diverse, and the Stonewall Riots even reflected that.
I am happy that I have become involved in the LGBT community again. In addition to attending Queerbomb, I have been active in Equality Across America- Texas, Stonewall Democrats of Austin, and many other organizations across the state. Pride for me is celebrating who I am as a femme, a bisexual, a queer mother, and an activist. It is about showing straights the diversity of our community. Pride is about understanding my queer history, learning from it, and continuing the tradition of the activists from the past.
“Stonewall still lives within us. The first finish line we need to cross is civil rights. The baton has been passed to the civil rights leaders of today.”
- C.D. Kirven

01 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

Last night was the Femme Ball and it was totally awesome.  Kelly, Kate, Liz, Margo and I went to IHOP afterward.

December 30, 2009—more random shit from me at the end of the year

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

December 30, 2009

Note:  Major  stream of consciousness PMS rant follows.  I generally enjoy being a womyn, but not when I am expecting my Aunt Flo. She doesn’t arrive as regularly as she did when I was younger, and she can stick her monthly gift up her panocha, not mine.  I need some Midol, stat…

I’m listening to “Celebrity Skin” by Hole and I am pissed.  I can’t wait for this shitty (for the most part) decade to end, and for a new beginning.  My NYE could potentially suck ass, because I am not going to do ANYTHING interesting to end 2009.  I am not crazy about that.  I’d rather go to the (fine-ass) Queertastiks’ party or over to Sam and Lynn’s for their chanting party, but T doesn‘t want to do anything like that.  At least I am going to New Year’s Gongyo on Friday and I am going to receive my Gohonzon.  Screw the “fundamental darkness” in my life.  I am going to turn poison into medicine.  No more excuses about why I cannot improve my life.

I am waiting on the mailman and it’s driving me CRAZY.  I want to receive my money from good old Barack Obama, well, his minions at the Social Security Administration anyway, but it’s not supposed to arrive until tomorrow.  It came early before, so maybe it will this month.  (crossing fingers and praying earnestly)  If it does show up today, there is a Mexican dinner on my agenda.  Si se puede!

I don’t really know what’s going to happen in the next few days.  My patience is wearing very thin and I just want to get shit straightened out—LITERALLY.  The house smells nasty, no matter how much Fabuloso I use,  and I don’t want to live here anymore.  Oneness of self and environment, definitely, whether I want to believe it or not.

I keep playing the same songs on iTunes everyday to try to block this crap out of my mind.  I guess music soothes me a little, but it’s only a temporary thing.   If I didn’t have to walk to the laundry room to be online, it’d be a little better, but it’s going to be another freaking week before the Wi-Fi is going to be back on, so the management says.  Eff that.  I’ll just hijack someone else’s internet until then.

I feel like I am being held back.  I need to grow, and right now I am just stagnating, like the science experiment growing in my bathtub.  It sucks.  I am tired of being bitched at for every little thing I do or don’t do.  Fuck this shit.  I don’t need a babysitter watching every move I make, telling me what to do, or bitching about the friends I have.

I am not going to move without a plan, though.  I’m not going to jump from the frying pan into the fire.  That would be irresponsible and stupid.  Watch out in February.  That’s my month and I am going to make shit happen.  This bullshit that I am currently going through is not going to carry over to my 37th year.

At least I am going to the Goodwill Blue Hanger store on Saturday with Scott and his friend, and I’m going to drop some mad shopping diva skills.  Yeah, baby.  I will fight some bitch mano a mano for some cheap-ass designer shit, and maybe I can find some stuff to complement my ensemble for the Femme Mafia Winter Wonderland Ball on January 30th.

(musical inspiration for this journal entry)—
”Celebrity Skin” by Hole
“Willin’” by Susanna Hoffs and Matthew Sweet
“Galvanize” by the Chemical Brothers
“Paper Planes” by M. I. A.

December 30, 2009 part two

I feel a little better emotionally, but still shitty physically.

I didn’t get my dinero today, so no comida Mexicana for me today.  I’m making spaghetti, so you know that it’s the end of the month.  When I go shopping next, I will make sure that I get stuff that will last the month.  Food stamps just aren’t that much of a help anymore…we only get $89, where before when it was just me with no income, I got $200.  Thank you, O Federal Government, for robbing Peter to pay Paul.  They expect me to survive on $449.50 monthly…in Austin, Texas.  Yeah, right.  The government is totally oblivious to the needs of the poor and disabled, obviously.  No Cost of Living Allowance this year because they said there was no increase in stuff.  Excuse me, but why are my Ramen noodles now costing me 16 cents a pop instead of 10 for a dollar?  Hello.   That is an increase to me.

This is why at the Poly Austin get-togethers at Central Market and Whole Paycheck, oops, I mean Whole Foods, I am drinking a soda instead of eating gourmet chocolate.  The last time I went to Whole Foods, I used my Lone Star card and the cashier bitch asked her supervisor if I could even purchase an organic Blue Sky soda on food stamps…I mean, SNAP as it’s now called.  They were complete ass-clowns to me, so I am not going to shop there anymore.  Central Market is all too happy to accept my card, and their chocolate is cheaper.

I am avoiding the bathroom like the plague.  No amount of Pine-Sol could help me.  I’m just going to have to move.  Ick.
(musical inspiration for this journal entry)—
“It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay” by Whitney Houston
“Keeps Getting Better” by Christina Aguilera
“She’s A Lady” by Tom Jones
“Free For All” by Ted Nugent
“She’s A Beauty” by the Tubes
“Stay With Me” by Rod Stewart

December 30, 2009 part three

I actually feel remotely sexy today, which is funny considering that I have no makeup on and my hair looks like shit.  I guess compliments from people (even ones from people that I barely know, sigh…) really do go a long way toward increasing my self-esteem.  I am beginning to feel good about myself again, with the help of offensive amounts of Tinkerbell stuff and the color pink.  I am able to flirt without making someone think that I am all about shagging them at this very minute, and I like feeling like a sexy geeky chick magnet, even if it’s only in my imagination.  Fake it ‘til you make it, it’s been said…

I am being photographed on Saturday by Scott— yay!  I hope that I’ll feel well enough for it.  I don’t like it when I am on my cycle.  I feel so bloated, which is bullshit because I know I am losing weight (thanks, poverty!) but I’m sure that it’s all gonna be good.  I’m gonna rock my sexy chunky ass.

(musical inspiration for this journal entry)—
“Dre Day” by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg
“Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen
“I Feel Love” by Donna Summer

November 1, 2009—hanging with my femme sisterfriend

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

Today Todd and I went to church. The guest preacher was Rev. Delores Berry, a MCC evangelist, and a woman with the biggest hat that I have ever seen in church. We sat with Kelly, my wild and crazy, blind, California girl, bi femme homegirl. Rev. Berry’s sermon was cool because she was so stream of consciousness. She mentioned several times that she was a “lipstick lesbian” and Kelly and I got all happy. Kelly asked me if we were “lipstick bi-dykes” and I told her that, indeed, we were. When Rev. Berry mentioned “bisexuals” we made a lot of noise and made a bunch of people crack up.

I’m trying to get Kelly to go to the Femme Mafia meeting with me. She’s like me, because she’s not really into butches. I think that Todd, Kelly, and I are confusing the hell out of people at church because we always go up for Communion together. Maybe they think we’re all getting busy or something. However, I am in a monogamous relationship with Todd and that’s enough for me.

Yesterday I went to Freebirds and a total hippie babe made my burrito and flirted with me. I guess since I colored my hair black, the ladies are noticing.

October 25, 2009—random bullshit thoughts

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

I really should have bought the Claritin yesterday at Walgreens.  I’m sneezing all the time.

I am happy that both of the colleges that I like (Texas) and (University of Houston) beat their respective opponents.

My house looks like crap, but I have absolutely NO motivation to do anything today.  I’d rather stay in bed and be on the computer.

Church shows and cartoons are on now.  I can’t watch cartoons because they make me sad.  The only church show I like is Joel Osteen because he is so perky!

Anyway, I’ve been surfing on FetLife and I realized that I am pretty normal compared to some people.  My proclivities are pretty common.  I didn’t think that makeup and geeks were really fetishes.

October 24, 2009—it’s freaking cold outside…for me, anyway

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

OK, I know I live in Texas, where it doesn’t get cold very much, but today is one of those days when I just want to stay in bed under a bunch  of blankets and not do anything.  I need to run some errands, though.  I have to take back the ghetto computer that we rented from Rent-A-Center now that Todd has his HP and I have my Acer.  Also, I need to go by the store, get some Special Transit tickets, and some snacks.

Bitch landlady came over on Thursday to collect our (extremely late) rent and she was so stoned that all she could focus on was that her patio table was destroyed and that the fridge wasn’t defrosted. OK, the storm a few weeks ago damaged the patio table and our RV park manager told her that he tossed it because it looked crappy sitting outside our yard.

Todd and I are seriously considering moving next month (week?)  but we don’t have anything concrete.

I hate being yelled at.  I may be a freak, but getting bitched out is not one of my fetishes.

October 23, 2009—just not feelin’ it right now…

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

I am sitting in bed eating pizza and I am freezing my ass off.  OK, it’s only 60 something degrees, but I am in Texas.

I’ve got something on my mind that I need to write about.  I don’t really fit in the bisexual community anymore.  I am still on all the e-mail lists, but I don’t really enjoy the meetings.  Maybe that’s a throwback to when I got tossed out of Bi-Net Houston because the facilitator was a bitch.  I tried to express my feelings that it should be a support group instead of just a social group, but I always got pushed to the back of the bus.  All I wanted to do was to make the bi group more of a “big tent”, not just for S/M enthusiasts or polys.  I wanted the “vanilla bisexuals” to feel at home as well.  Finally, with no support, I just gave up.

My main goal of attending Bi-Net was to meet more bisexual people.  In the end, I met more bi people working in LGBT organizations, so that’s where I ended up focusing my energy.    I got a lot of support from gays and lesbians about being bisexual.

Now I find myself more interested in (the very bi-friendly) Femme Mafia.  I have identified as a femme since I first came out, but quickly pushed that into the closet.  Now there is so much more femme visibility, so I can be myself.

Since I have been attending MCC Austin, I have been out as a femme and as a married bisexual disabled woman.  I can help the church reach out to femmes, bis, straights, the differently abled, and anyone who feels differently.

{October 14, 2009} I got approved for Social Security today…

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

so now I won’t be so damn broke.

I got on Facebook and added a bunch of friends…including my most awesome 4th grade teacher.

Todd and I went to Pappadeaux for lunch today. I ordered the Crawfish Combination.

{October 13, 2009} feeling queer again…

30 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment

by missAnastacia in Uncategorized

I watched the National Equality March on C-Span yesterday and it was so cool that they included bisexual people as speakers. It seems nowadays that the community is more accepting of us. Unfortunately, sometimes I have internalized biphobia toward others…I am so afraid of the “freaky” people representing the bi community as a whole. It makes me feel like shit.

I am also upset in my own marriage that Todd makes jokes about “having turned me straight”. I’m not. I like women as much as I like men. It’s about the person, not the plumbing.

Anyway, going to church is feeding my queer identity, but I want to become more involved in the community. I need to start going to the Femme Mafia meetings.

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